A Simple Way to Raise Happy Kids
Introduction and Pre-Work
The 1 Rule is simple. So simple, that it was actually discovered and co-created
with 3yr old children. We didn’t know we were doing this until it was revealed to
me many years later.
If you actually put to use what you learn in the first and second lessons, you can
end conflict and replace it with harmony, and no one has to give up what is
important to them.
You have discovered the magic wand of parenting.
Bonus Story: Kids and Swings: Origin of the 1 Rule
Many years ago, when I was head teacher at Children’s House, the Montessori school we
founded (which is still going strong), I had decided to teach a conflict resolution process
to the children which consisted of about 10 steps. It was actually created for parents. I
told the children I was going to do this to help them solve problems to that everyone
involved in the problem felt good.
I had gone through the process a couple of different times, bringing good results.
Though the process was long for the kids. This time I saw that a couple of 3yr old girls
were having a problem over a swing. I went over to them.
I asked a version of my usual question, “Do either of you need some help?” They both
began to tell me about wanting to swing. All the other swings were being used. I took hold
of one of the chains of the swing. I told them that they are both important and we would
find a way so they both felt good about this.
They looked at me as if what I said made no sense to them I said, “You are both
important.” Then pointing to each girl I said, “You are important and you are important.”
At that point I noticed that one of the girls “got it.” Her eyes widened. She understood.
She was important and the other girl was important. At that point her world expanded to
include someone else as important also.
I went on to say, “You both deserve to feel good and we are going to find a way that that
can happen.”
That same little girl said, “I know! We can both swing,” she said to the other girl. “You can
sit on my lap and we can both swing.”
The other girl agreed. That is what happened. I stayed to push them, at their request,
and to make sure they were both safe and kept holding the chains.
At this point most of the elements of the 1 Rule took form, but it was about 40 years later
that the full understanding of the importance of that interaction came clearly into my
mind. I knew it was important. I wrote about it in my first book. Parenting for the New
Millennium, the book that started this all.
Introduction and Pre-Work
The 1 Rule is simple. So simple, that it was actually discovered and co-created
with 3yr old children. We didn’t know we were doing this until it was revealed to
me many years later.
If you actually put to use what you learn in the first and second lessons, you can
end conflict and replace it with harmony, and no one has to give up what is
important to them.
You have discovered the magic wand of parenting.
Bonus Story: Kids and Swings: Origin of the 1 Rule
Many years ago, when I was head teacher at Children’s House, the Montessori school we
founded (which is still going strong), I had decided to teach a conflict resolution process
to the children which consisted of about 10 steps. It was actually created for parents. I
told the children I was going to do this to help them solve problems to that everyone
involved in the problem felt good.
I had gone through the process a couple of different times, bringing good results.
Though the process was long for the kids. This time I saw that a couple of 3yr old girls
were having a problem over a swing. I went over to them.
I asked a version of my usual question, “Do either of you need some help?” They both
began to tell me about wanting to swing. All the other swings were being used. I took hold
of one of the chains of the swing. I told them that they are both important and we would
find a way so they both felt good about this.
They looked at me as if what I said made no sense to them I said, “You are both
important.” Then pointing to each girl I said, “You are important and you are important.”
At that point I noticed that one of the girls “got it.” Her eyes widened. She understood.
She was important and the other girl was important. At that point her world expanded to
include someone else as important also.
I went on to say, “You both deserve to feel good and we are going to find a way that that
can happen.”
That same little girl said, “I know! We can both swing,” she said to the other girl. “You can
sit on my lap and we can both swing.”
The other girl agreed. That is what happened. I stayed to push them, at their request,
and to make sure they were both safe and kept holding the chains.
At this point most of the elements of the 1 Rule took form, but it was about 40 years later
that the full understanding of the importance of that interaction came clearly into my
mind. I knew it was important. I wrote about it in my first book. Parenting for the New
Millennium, the book that started this all.
Bonus Training: The Harmonize Fast Formula
The Harmonize Fast Formula can work simply, quickly as long as you remember to
adopt a Positive Respect Mindset. This is what makes the strong foundation. This is the
bridge between hearts that ensures that it works easily. Remember the three elements:
1. We are each important
2. We each deserve to have what we want
3. We can use Positive Respect to help this happen
Level 1.....…Clarity: The Lightening Round
Misunderstandings cause many problems. I have witnessed this too much in ordinary
conversations. Clearing up possible misunderstandings is the first round of the
Harmonize Fast Formula.
This is the fastest and easiest round, and the beginning point. Sometimes simply,
clearly understanding what the people involved want and don’t want, mean and don’t
mean, untangles the situation, like the following story of the two sisters and the lemon.
(Two sisters lived together far from town. They didn’t talk about it, but each was
planning to use the lemon in the refrigerator the next day. In the morning, they both
went for the lemon. When they realized that they both wanted to use the lemon, each
thought that she would let her sister use the lemon. When each ended up explaining
why she wanted the lemon, it turned out that they could both use the lemon! One sister
wanted the juice for lemon water, to do a one day fast. The other sister wanted to use
the zest for some cookies. …Imagine how many solutions might be discovered with
simply understanding what the people involved want and don’t want.)
It is important to be sure that communications are clearly sent and clearly received. It
might not be good enough to assume that they understood you or that you understood
them, it may be necessary to confirm the understanding. “I heard you say…” (for
example, “I heard you say that you only want the lemon juice. Is that right?) ”or “So you
want me to…” (for example, “So you want me to use the lemon?”) or “Did you mean…?”
(for example, “Did you mean that you only need the lemon zest?”)
Once there is clear understanding, if a solution is not discovered, at least you come out
of this round knowing what each person wants and so you do have a clear
understanding of the goals.
Level 2…….Agreement Round
In this round, the first idea that everyone likes is the solution. This is what I learned from
three-year-old children. They easily and almost instantly adopted a Positive Respect
Mindset, once it was introduced to them. They were introduced to the three elements:
1. We are each important
2. We each deserve to have what we want
3. We use Positive Respect to help this happen (this wasn’t formalized at the time)
So when differences came up, they would quickly and easily find harmonious
solutions…on their own…after they understood how it worked.
If the Agreement Round does not reveal a solution, you can go deeper into
understanding why.
Level 3……Understanding Round
You each get a chance to explain why you like a possible solution and/or why you don’t.
This gives everyone more information and can result in a winning solution. A winning
solution is a solution that everyone involved likes and agrees to.
It brings to everyone’s awareness what the people involved are thinking, needing,
feeling. It often only takes minor shifts that one person thinks of, but others hadn’t…and
a solution is revealed.
If these strategies don’t help you discover a solution that you all like, you can harmonize
using “Seven Steps to Harmony.” (used to be End Conflict NOW!)
The Harmonize Fast Formula can work simply, quickly as long as you remember to
adopt a Positive Respect Mindset. This is what makes the strong foundation. This is the
bridge between hearts that ensures that it works easily. Remember the three elements:
1. We are each important
2. We each deserve to have what we want
3. We can use Positive Respect to help this happen
Level 1.....…Clarity: The Lightening Round
Misunderstandings cause many problems. I have witnessed this too much in ordinary
conversations. Clearing up possible misunderstandings is the first round of the
Harmonize Fast Formula.
This is the fastest and easiest round, and the beginning point. Sometimes simply,
clearly understanding what the people involved want and don’t want, mean and don’t
mean, untangles the situation, like the following story of the two sisters and the lemon.
(Two sisters lived together far from town. They didn’t talk about it, but each was
planning to use the lemon in the refrigerator the next day. In the morning, they both
went for the lemon. When they realized that they both wanted to use the lemon, each
thought that she would let her sister use the lemon. When each ended up explaining
why she wanted the lemon, it turned out that they could both use the lemon! One sister
wanted the juice for lemon water, to do a one day fast. The other sister wanted to use
the zest for some cookies. …Imagine how many solutions might be discovered with
simply understanding what the people involved want and don’t want.)
It is important to be sure that communications are clearly sent and clearly received. It
might not be good enough to assume that they understood you or that you understood
them, it may be necessary to confirm the understanding. “I heard you say…” (for
example, “I heard you say that you only want the lemon juice. Is that right?) ”or “So you
want me to…” (for example, “So you want me to use the lemon?”) or “Did you mean…?”
(for example, “Did you mean that you only need the lemon zest?”)
Once there is clear understanding, if a solution is not discovered, at least you come out
of this round knowing what each person wants and so you do have a clear
understanding of the goals.
Level 2…….Agreement Round
In this round, the first idea that everyone likes is the solution. This is what I learned from
three-year-old children. They easily and almost instantly adopted a Positive Respect
Mindset, once it was introduced to them. They were introduced to the three elements:
1. We are each important
2. We each deserve to have what we want
3. We use Positive Respect to help this happen (this wasn’t formalized at the time)
So when differences came up, they would quickly and easily find harmonious
solutions…on their own…after they understood how it worked.
If the Agreement Round does not reveal a solution, you can go deeper into
understanding why.
Level 3……Understanding Round
You each get a chance to explain why you like a possible solution and/or why you don’t.
This gives everyone more information and can result in a winning solution. A winning
solution is a solution that everyone involved likes and agrees to.
It brings to everyone’s awareness what the people involved are thinking, needing,
feeling. It often only takes minor shifts that one person thinks of, but others hadn’t…and
a solution is revealed.
If these strategies don’t help you discover a solution that you all like, you can harmonize
using “Seven Steps to Harmony.” (used to be End Conflict NOW!)
Click the picture on the left
to return to the main page
of this course.
to return to the main page
of this course.
| Click the links below to access the full trainings |
| Introduction |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |