Educator/Childcare Training One
You are about to learn a strategy that puts an end to fighting, to angry children, to bullying, and many
more problems, troubles and struggles…and no punishment is necessary.
I highly recommend that you keep a journal of your experiences and progress as you learn and apply this
strategy to troubled situations with children, or between children.
Although you will find this Strategy effective with most children, I must warn you that as helpful as this is, it
is not the strategy that I use with two year olds. There is another Training for working with two year olds.
However, this Strategy is worth learning for work with all other children. Even three year olds master it
quickly.
End Conflict NOW! (Level 3)
I’m so excited to be here with you today sharing the seven steps in the Strategy End Conflict NOW!
Doesn’t that sound great? End Conflict NOW!
Well, it is great and you get to do it and I’m here to help you.
Now, before we get started on this training, have you printed up the Training Worksheet? Do you have
your worksheet in front of you?
Good. Soon I want you to quickly, just off the top of your head, do the first, second and third exercises on
the training worksheet. I will tell you when.
This will help you while you are reading the rest of the training. It will give you a point of reference that
relates to your life as we go through the steps and examples.
Now…imagine this...you are at work, working with the children…but now there is a difference…now there
are no more conflicts...can you imagine no more conflicts ....no fighting...no bickering....everyone getting
along.....everyone helping everyone ......everyone getting what they need...everyone having a good
time... just imagine......isn’t that wonderful?! Well that’s what we are going to make happen.
To make this happen, you are going to learn one strategy....just one strategy. This could put a lifelong
end to conflict in just one session! I know it sounds unbelievable, but it is true. It has happened! It may be
rare, but it has happened.
It has even happened that three year old children have learned the whole strategy in one lesson, enough
to apply it successfully.
So don’t think you’re in for a rough time. It’s simple. If you don’t resist it, it’s easy. It’s powerful and
effective. It works....if you use it. That’s all it takes...you just have to use it.
Remember, I’ll let you know when to pause with the training to answer the first questions on the Training
Worksheet.
In just about anything you can think of there can be differences between two people.
Picture this: no one has the same point of view. That means that no one physically looks out of your eyes,
except you. If two or more people are looking at the same thing, each person’s point of view is different, if
only slightly.
That’s not to say that we don’t have many things in common, but when we have differences and do not
know how to resolve them in a humane and peaceful manner, conflict develops.
When the relationship between adults and children is involved, the Invisible Root Cause comes into the
picture. In case you haven't yet learned about the Invisible Root Cause of problems that develop between
kids and adults in the Training on the Power of Respect, it's this:
It’s an attitude that adults have been programmed with from the time they were children. It dictates how
they are to relate to the children under their care. As an eight year old boy once told me, “They treat me
like I’m a slave!” The attitude that adults have developed says, ‘I'm in charge. I say how things go, and
they go the way I want. I can make you do what I say, in fact, it’s my duty to do so. And I don’t care what
you say!’
Believing that just because you are the adult, you get to have things just the way you have thought of
having them, without any consideration necessary for any children involved is bound to create a situation
of conflict. It’s conflict waiting to happen.
This attitude adds to the conflicts that develop because everyone has differences, and often people don’t
have the skills to resolve their differences peacefully.
I’m sure you can imagine some of the differences: differences in interests (some of us like to read and
some of us would rather play video games), differences in beliefs (some of us believe in ‘the work ethic’
and some of us believe that ‘life is a playground’), differences in values (some of us believe in
cooperation and some of us believe in competition), differences in likes and dislikes (some of us like chili
and some of us don’t).
You may say that conflicts with kids develop because the kids did something you didn’t like, or that made
you mad, or that was wrong, but the differences between you and those children are at the basis of what
they did and what your reaction is.
Think about it: when you are angry with the children you work with it’s because they wanted one thing and
you wanted another, whether it was over circle time (you wanted them to come to circle – they wanted to
ride trikes or string beads), snack time (you wanted them to wait their turn – they wanted to grab a snack
and run), clean up (you wanted them to help with clean up – they wanted to keep playing)...whatever the
issue.
Out of the situation of conflict spring all the troubles that develop between adults and children: fighting,
disobedience, whining, defiance, disrespect, abuse...
Learning how to harmonize differences, resolve conflicts in a humane and peaceful manner and actually
end getting into conflicts is what this Training is all about. What you learn in the other Trainings in the
Power of Respect Series helps everyone avoid getting into conflicts in the first place.
Now is the time to stop reading and to do the first, second and third exercises on the training worksheet.
See you when you’re done.
Now I’m going to share with you seven steps toward successful, respectful, and peaceful ending of
conflict. You notice that I do not say ‘conflict resolution.’ I say ending of conflict. Later you will understand
why I say this.
When you are starting out, I advise you to complete every step to achieve success. Soon, once you
understand the process, you will be able to streamline it greatly. It becomes a spontaneous process, no
writing, no lengthy brainstorming, just getting right to the win-win solution, then follow up when and as
necessary. It consumes minutes, even just seconds of time.
It is understood and accepted that each person deserves to have a satisfying experience. And you all
have the tools and skills to make this happen. Now…on with the strategy.
First I’m going to share the Meeting Version. Here you decide when to have a meeting to address a
conflict. With the Spontaneous Version, when it takes place is determined by the circumstances.
Before we start, here’s a list of the seven steps so you know what we are going to cover:
1. Setting Up the Meeting
2. The Guidelines
3. Brainstorm
4. Eliminate
5. Negotiate
6. Act!
7. Evaluate
Step One: Setting Up the Meeting
Now we get into the details, emphasizing what’s important and why it works.
Unfortunately, too many people think that if they are having a problem, it is a problem for everyone. Some
people even take the attitude that they are going to make it a problem for everyone.
Be sure to have your Training Worksheet in front of you. You may want your journal, too. Now, if you
haven’t done this already, please pause and answer questions 1, 2 and 3 on the Worksheet. Done?
Great! This can help you have your own focus as we go through the first steps, so that your
understanding, your notes and your thoughts can relate to your own situation.
So....let’s say that you’ve decided that it’s time to have your first session. Be sure you have the issue
written on your Worksheet.
I don’t know what particular issue you have chosen to deal with, but the whole strategy and all the steps
involved will be clearer if you deal with only one issue the first time.
You can deal with more. I’ve mediated multiple issues in minutes, but until you are familiar and
comfortable with the process, you might find one issue enough.
Be sure that the time and place chosen for the session is agreeable with everyone involved. Since you
are setting up the session, ask everyone if the time and place of the meeting is fine with them.
Usually the timing will be the main concern for everyone, but some people may not like certain places or
may prefer certain places.
It is very important, even when you are setting up the meeting, to let everyone know what you are going
to deal with and that only decisions that everyone likes will be made. This is the essence of the
strategy. This is why it works, why it ends conflict. So don’t forget to emphasize this feature.
If someone objects to the time or place, it is important that a mutually agreeable time and place be found
before you hold the session.
If someone is just reluctant to participate, you have several options:
1. If they object to the time or place, you can offer several different possibilities
2. If they continue to object, ask them to suggest an agreeable time or place.
3. If you are not pressed for time, continue asking them periodically if alternate times or places
agree with them
4. Go ahead with the session without them, but let them know that decisions made are binding
to them, also.
5. Let them know that if they don’t like the decisions, another session can be scheduled.
6. Get creative.....come up with your own plan.
If you have decided to go ahead with a session and someone who will be affected by decisions made at
the session does not intend to be there, when they realize that the decisions that are made are binding to
them, too, they might agree to take part.
However, if you properly emphasize and explain that no decisions will be made unless everyone agrees
with the suggestion, most people agree to take part.
Be sure to make it clear that if a decision is made that they don’t like, another meeting can be set up to
change that decision. Let everyone else at the session realize that that is a possibility. That might actually
be a good thing, because now they will be eager for the meeting.
Be sure that you have paper and pen and a surface to write on.
There are four guidelines that you need to cover and make sure that everyone understands them before
you go on.
1) Define the problem and write it down.
Come to an agreement on exactly what the problem is. Make sure that everyone has the same
understanding of the problem before you write the final version.
First state the problem. Then check with everyone: is this how they understand the problem? You all
need to come to an agreement on exactly what the problem is, before you write down the final version.
After you write it down, double check to make sure that everyone agrees with the written version. It’s
important to get this clear and written before you continue with the rest on the process.
Keep clarity during each step of the process. Double check if there is any chance of a misunderstanding.
2) Whose problem is it...really?
Just because something is a problem for one person, does not mean that it is a problem for everyone.
Write down whose problem it is. Once you become comfortable with thinking of this aspect of problems, it
makes things much clearer.
For example, loud music may be a problem for some people and not for others. Toys all over the floor
may drive some people crazy, but not bother others at all. Having tuna salad and pickled beets for lunch
may be torture for some people and a treat for others.
Sometimes arguments develop because this distinction is not made and one person is arguing that this
issue means nothing to them. Making this distinction prevents this confusion.
In fact, if they do not have a problem with this situation and they are not needed to find a solution, they do
not need to participate, unless they want to. If they do want to participate, they might even come up with
the solution.
You can also use this distinction when you are inviting someone to a session by saying, “I have a problem
and I need your help to solve it. Would you please help me?”
People are much more likely to keep in a positive frame of mind if they are helping you with your problem,
than if they think you are saying that they are having a problem, when that issue does not cause a
problem for them.
So, be sure to write down whose problem it is.
3) The solution must be a win-win solution. Everyone needs to understand that no solution will be
used if one person does not like it for whatever reason. Generally there is no need for anyone to tell their
reasons for not liking the idea. That idea will be crossed off the list of possible solutions. If only one part
of an idea is not liked, only that part needs to be crossed off. Using it would be disrespectful to the person
who does not like it.
If all ideas are crossed off or if the ideas left cannot solve the problem, you must brainstorm again. You
can do it right then, if everyone agrees to do so.
However, it is more likely that you will have several ideas or parts of ideas to work with. (For your
information, in all the years I’ve been doing this I have never had all of the ideas crossed off when I’ve
worked with kids.)
4) No criticism during the brainstorming.
Explain that the next thing you are all going to do is to think of how to solve the problem. Re-state the
problem. Tell them that to do this you are going to do something called brainstorming. You are going to
think of as many ideas as you can that might solve this problem. Each person is going to say their ideas
out loud and you are going to write them down.
Before you start brainstorming, everyone needs to understand that during the brainstorming no one
criticizes any idea. No matter how silly, horrible, impossible an idea is no one says anything about it.
Please no comments.
This helps keep the ideas flowing. If comments are made, it can keep ideas from coming to mind.
Negative comments can block the person whose idea got the comment, and it can also block other people
who may be afraid of getting negative comments.
Even positive comments can keep ideas from coming. They might keep other ideas from coming to people’
s minds and only draw ideas similar to the idea that got the positive comment.
For now please don’t say anything against any idea, no moans, no groans, no negative gestures. Make
sure that everyone understands the importance of this and agrees to it.
All ideas are written down.
If anyone has trouble with this, remind them that the idea will not be used if someone does not like it. It will
be crossed off the list later.
Brainstorm for solutions:
Encourage the children to think of solutions for the problem. “Now, let’s think of how we can solve this
problem.” Then pause and look at the children. If no one else is ready to begin the brainstorming…you
begin it. Start by stating the exact solution you’d like…let the Brainstorming begin.
Write down every idea, no matter how strange, no matter how silly, no matter who likes it or not.
When no one can think of any more ideas you are done with brainstorming. Now you have your list of
possible solutions.
It is simple. Discuss and eliminate any solutions or parts of solutions that are not acceptable to
any of the participants. Cross off the idea or part of an idea. It is not usable. Using it would be
disrespectful to the person who does not like it.
This is the heart of this strategy, without this step this strategy has no serious power. It might work without
it, but in a limited fashion. This empowers everyone equally and completely. This is what makes believers
out of all participants. This is what brings troubled teens to the table, and other reluctant people. This
creates a foundation of mutual respect and trust. It opens minds to understanding others’ points of view. It
brings harmony and peace of mind to all participants. Getting rid of unwanted ideas makes this a true
Power of Respect Strategy.
I promise you that three year old children have learned this strategy enough to begin using it on their own
in one or two sessions. They might not have remembered all of the steps, but they have understood the
essence of the strategy: Find what works for all involved.
Negotiation: Decide on acceptable, win-win solutions.
Maybe one idea or parts of several ideas will fit together to make a mutually agreeable plan for a solution.
Be sure the decision is written down and be sure that everyone understands it in the same way. Don’t
rush or skip this step. This is very, very important, if it is to work!
Misunderstandings cause a huge number of problems, huge!
Once you all agree on the ideas to use, now is the time to weave them into a plan that is agreeable to
everyone: who does what, when, how. Just do the best you can. If the plan seems good to everyone, put
it into action. After you try it out, if you find that you need to tweak it or completely revise it, you can.
This is such a valuable skill for everyone to master.
Put the solution or solutions into practice.
Be sure that you have written down what each person is going to do, so no confusion develops later, for
example, if someone says: “You said you were going to ‘blah-blah-blah.” You can say, “No, I didn’t. I said I
was going to ‘do this’. Come look. We wrote it down. ”
You might want to write this on a calendar or even make a special chart. Decide how you would all like to
keep track of who is going to do what, when, and any other details involved in the solution.
Be sure you agree when you are going to meet again for the follow up meeting so you can report to each
other about how the plan is working for you. This will be one of the first Actions. Plan to meet after there is
enough time to know if the plan is working, for some plans it might be later that day, for other plans it
might be in a month. Make sure that everyone agrees to this also.
It might be good for one of you to be responsible to remind the others that the meeting is coming up, if
that is agreeable with everyone. That person could also help if a time change or any other kind of
change is necessary for the follow up meeting.
Meet again and evaluate the success of the solution or solutions:
At the end of your meeting you scheduled a time and place to meet for your follow up meeting, so that
you can all report on how the solution is working for you.
You not only scheduled the meeting at a time agreeable to all, you made sure that you scheduled it after
you had enough time to actually see if the plan was going to work.
If everything is going well for everyone involved, continue on. If anyone is having problems with the plan,
maybe you can just tweak it, make little changes.
If it is a bigger problem, go through the seven steps again to find something that seems like it will work
better.
This important step of the Strategy is one that might get forgotten because it is not happening during the
meeting. However, if it has been written and posted it is not likely to be forgotten.
Also, if someone does not like the way things are going, they are likely to speak up about it, and you
might even have to meet sooner.
This is the amazing, unexpected result of using this simple Power of Respect Strategy:
You have put an end to conflict.
You and the children you work with have learned and used so many Power of Respect Tools and Skills by
using this one Power of Respect Strategy.
• You have all accepted that you each deserve to have it how you want it.
• You have learned:
o skills to help you communicate clearly.
o to write things down to keep communication clear.
o that if it isn’t good for one of you, it is not an option.
o to take action, mutually acceptable action.
o how to brainstorm.
o to negotiate.
o the great, the essential importance of follow-up.
None of you go back to how it was. Your group of children is now different. When there are differences in
needs, wishes and values between the children, those differences immediately bring up the need to find a
mutually agreeable solution.
No longer do any of you go into ‘fight-for-what-you-want’ mode. Everyone accepts that it is possible to
find a win-win solution, they’ve done it at least once and seen it done around them. Everyone knows that
it is much, much better this way.
This shift can happen even after one good session (this has happened) or it may take a few, but it does
not take very many to learn these simple skills. The most important skill everyone learns immediately,
because everyone wants to have their way:
It has to be win-win / cross it off if you don’t like it.
“This process may seem time consuming, but once everyone is practiced at it, you can
eliminate the writing, and finding agreements becomes almost automatic. Then the peace in
the family seems worth all the efforts at changing in the beginning.”
(Karen Ryce’s Column Book the Power of Respect)
This is what happens when people understand and accept the process, and practice it a little: it shifts into
another gear. It becomes a spontaneous process, no writing, no lengthy brainstorming, just getting right
to the win-win solution, then follow up when and as necessary. It consumes minutes, even just seconds of
time.
It is understood and accepted that each person deserves to have a satisfying experience. And you all
have the tools and skills to make this happen.
Now, let’s do a mental rehearsal. This is a valuable practice, not only while you're learning the Power
of Respect, but in other aspects in your life. In your mind imagine what you are intending to do. Olympic
gymnasts do this to improve their game.
Now let’s get started...be sure you are sitting comfortably and have the time and energy to do this
exercise. If not, do it later. As you are reading this, pause periodically. Close your eyes while you take the
time you need to picture what you are intending to do as clearly and vividly as possible. If you prefer, you
can write or record this exercise as you visualize it, if either of these activities helps you more than just
visualizing in your mind.
Picture yourself in the scene as you would if you were really participating in this. Don’t see yourself as if
you were watching yourself on TV, see the situation as you would if you were in it, really in it, looking at it
through your eyes. Imagine this going just as you would like it to go.
Let’s begin. Remember the problem that you thought you might like to work on first...you are going to
imagine, in your mind, that you are going through the whole process...first approach the child or children
you are going to have this session with...
Let them know that you are having a problem and that you need their help...
Or if you have chosen a problem that you think that they might like to work on, you can tell them that you
have noticed that they don’t seem to like (whatever it is), and that you’ve learned something that might
help make it be better for them.
Set up a meeting time and place that is agreeable for everyone involved...imagine that everything goes
smoothly for this session. If you have not done so already, close your eyes and visualize what you have
read so far.
You have printed out the Guidelines For the Meeting and are very familiar with the procedure...you have
your paper and pen and writing surface...
Now everyone is gathered and ready to go... imagine everyone listening attentively...thank them for being
part of this, or for helping you out...let them know that the most important thing that you want them to
know about what you are going to do is that only decisions that you all like will be chosen today...
you are not going to ask them to do things that they don’t want to do and you are not going to do things
that you don’t want to do… go quickly through the 7 steps to give everyone an overview...imagine
everyone excited and eager to use this strategy. Close your eyes and visualize again.
State the problem, making sure that everyone understands it...check out the understanding ...remember,
too many problems come from misunderstandings...write down the problem...ask if there are any
questions about the problem...
Explain brainstorming...“we are going to think of as many ideas as we can about how to solve this problem
that I am having...I am going to write down every idea that any of us has...even if I don’t like the idea...
because I know that later we will cross off any idea that someone doesn’t like...any idea...now it’s very
important that while we are brainstorming no one says that they don’t like an idea...wait until we come to
the crossing off part...if someone says anything against an idea, it might keep the good ideas, the ones
you would like, it might keep them from coming into someone’s mind...everyone understand?.. everyone
agree?” (or something like that; you put it in your own way) Close your eyes and visualize what you have
just read.
Now it’s time to start brainstorming...imagine some of the ideas that might come up...imagine writing them
down...(If at this point, you would actually like to write these ideas down, feel free to do so, just be sure to
also close your eyes and visualize the process.)
When no more ideas are coming... “now we are going to cross off any ideas that someone doesn’t like...
remember at the beginning I said that no one is going to have to do what they do not want to do...imagine
who might not like what ideas or parts of ideas...see what you have left to work with... if you have written
down the ideas and would actually like to cross some off, knowing that someone would object to them, do
so. Then close your eyes and visualize the process.
Propose a plan of action based on the idea or ideas that you have left...what would you each have to do
to ensure that it works...write things on a calendar?...be sure that everyone understands their part...set
up a time for re-evaluation....
Visualize the plan being written and posted...visualize how well the plan is working...everyone doing their
part, getting their needs met and enjoying the process... imagine the follow up meeting...everyone
reporting how well it is going for them... imagine how happy everyone is...
So, how did your rehearsal go? Do you feel more confident? Do you have a better understanding of how
this process goes? Practice this mental rehearsal as frequently as you like, for as many different
situations as you’d like.
It is fantastic how quickly this 7-Step Strategy brings harmony and eliminates conflict!
Mediating for children might easily be your first use of this Power of Respect Strategy. If this is the case, it
is most likely because they are having trouble at that moment. It’s always harder to jump into a problem
than to deal with one calmly at a time when emotions are not running high.
However, in the kind of work you do jumping into a problem is often necessary, and sometimes it might
bring even better, quicker results than if you did have a chance to introduce this strategy during a stress-
free time.
One of the best ways to jump right in, especially because you are working with children who are eight and
younger, is to ask, “Does anyone need some help?” Or something similar. At this point, almost always, at
least one of them will speak up, eager to tell their side of the problem.
Occasionally, they really do want to handle the situation themselves, or maybe they do not trust adult
‘help’. In these cases they will not ask for help or want to tell their side of the story.
If they do not want help, observe them discretely to make sure they are safe and can really solve the
problem to everyone’s satisfaction. If necessary approach them again. Let them know that it does not
seem that they have solved their problem so that they all feel good. Let them know that you can help
them with that. This time you might want to just stick close to them. For sure keep an eye on the situation
to keep everyone safe.
If they do want your help, after listening to what they have to say, you can let them know that you know
how to help them fix this so that they all get to feel good.
When you go to mediate a situation, be sure to take a way to write ideas. It is helpful if you have
introduced this to the children before this. Maybe in circle you can mention that when children are having
problems, you are going to help them solve the problems so that they all like the solution.
You might even have introduced the Meeting Version. If you have not, don’t worry, you can still jump in
and have a very successful mediation. Remember, the jump-in version is highly effective with younger
children.
Just remember the steps, but be ready to be flexible when and if the situation calls for it. Although there
are several important, valuable skills involved in this strategy, if the children you are helping want to and
initiate going right to finding a win-win solution, before going through all of the steps…go for it!
They have just shortened the learning curve. I learned of this possibility from three year old children.
Later they can learn brainstorming and negotiation and the other skills learned in this strategy, but if they
want to go for it, right to the prize, to the treasure of this strategy, be aware of this possibility and
encourage it. This brings harmony to the children at your work place.
Instead of seven steps, they use two steps: awareness of their differences and an instant win-win solution.
Now I’ll go over some of the variations you might encounter in the Spontaneous Meeting.
Step One: Spontaneous Meeting Variations
You can deal with more. I’ve mediated multiple issues in minutes. With the spontaneous session you
might have to deal with more than one issue. It would be good if you at least have several mental
rehearsals before your first actual session (you’ll learn what I mean later).
Hopefully you get to the children who are having a problem before it is fully developed. Be very
observant. It helps. If a disagreement or even a fight has already started, go over immediately. Ask, “It
seems like you need some help.” If that doesn’t get an immediate response asking for help…”Does
anyone want my help?”
“I can help you fix this so that each of you is happy with it.” It is very important to let everyone know that
only decisions that everyone likes will be made. This is the essence of the strategy. This is
why it works, why it ends conflict. So don’t forget to emphasize this feature.
Be sure that you have paper, pen and a surface to write on. A small notebook will do.
Step Two: The Guidelines Variations
There are four guidelines that you need to cover and do your best to make sure that everyone
understands them. If you need to move more quickly through the steps, you can skip ahead, but if at all
possible, introduce the guidelines at some point.
1) Define the problem and write it down. It’s better if you can write it down, but in the
spontaneous version you might not be able to.
The rest of The Training remains the same as the Meeting Version.
Teacher/Childcare Training One
Click the links below. Print out the pages. After you complete the work on the Training Worksheet, the
Preparation Study Guide and the Review Study Guide, email them or mail them to Karen Ryce to get your
approved child care training hours and your certificate for the Training. Ask if you have any questions.
karen.ryce@happykidsco.com /// Karen Ryce Presents / 3721 Deer Flats St / Las Vegas, NV 89129
End Conflict NOW! (Level 3) Printables:
Training Worksheet
Preparation Study Guide
Review Study Guide
Guidelines for the Meeting
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